Musings

I had my supervision for my field experience today. It was supposed to be on professionalism, but somehow we ended up on the topic of diversity, though I am not sure how we got there. The discussion caused me to really think about my own biases and I am not happy with what I have found. One of my co-interns is Tiffney. She is black (African American—whatever you want to call it). She was talking about her culture and how the white world portrays the “White Hope” movies, where the white people “fix” the black people. Mostly, listening to her talk made me very ashamed of my background.

I grew up in Utah, surrounded by other white Mormons. I thought I was living in a middle class home, yet from what I have seen here in Columbus, I think it would be considered upper class. My family is well-off. I have never had the experience of not having food on the table. My parents were never abusive and they were supportive of me and most of my choices. I always had a roof over my head and I lived in relative comfort.

There was no diversity at my high school whatsoever. I am ashamed to admit that my first experience with the black culture has been here at Ohio State, with Tiffney being the first black person with whom I have really ever talked to or been friends with. I was so sheltered growing up. Even serving a mission in Peru didn’t quite prepare me for what it would be like to move to Columbus and experience poverty and humanity like I am seeing it through the social work program. I feel like I am coming into this program inexperienced—my parents are still married happily. I have never tasted alcohol or tobacco, nor have I had sex. How am I supposed to be able to work with people who deal with these and related issues every day of their lives when I never have? What kind of social worker will I be?

I don’t want to experience these things, as I know that they bring unhappiness in many aspects. “Wickedness never was happiness.”

I feel as if I am somehow better than those whom I am seeking to help and I know that this is also not true. I have the gospel, which most of the time I know is true. Yet, why do all of these people not have the gospel in their lives? I started the program out thinking that maybe God loves me more because I have the gospel, but this is also not true. I am not better than anyone that I work with, yet I feel like by coming in and telling them how they should live their lives, I am telling them that I am, indeed, better than them. How do you deal with this?
Social workers are jacks of all trades and masters of none, really. I guess this fits me, as I am good at things, but I have never really excelled in any one area. As I have gone through the last quarter, I realized that I have no idea what I want to do with my degree, other than be a counselor. However, I am afraid of this goal—afraid that I will be no good at it because, let’s face it, I have never really excelled at anything.

I am grateful for my family and that I have never had to worry about where my next meal would be coming from. I guess I am learning a great deal about humility through this experience. I was afraid going into this field experience that I wouldn’t get along with my co-interns because of our religious differences. My religion is a big part of who I am. I was wrong. I have found them to be very great people to work with. They have been respectful of my beliefs and they joke around and laugh with me and treat me like an equal. I don’t know if I completely trust them. Part of me wonders if they are just being nice to me because they have to work with me and then behind my back they are making fun of me and talking smack about me.

I am overwhelmed by the papers I have to write, as I don’t feel like I have enough information to write them and do a good job of writing them. I am tired and emotional and stressed and that doesn’t make for a good combination. I decided to try writing about this, as my field instructor mentioned that she thought it would be therapeutic and relieve some stress. I am not sure whether I am feeling a whole lot better, but I guess I am a little bit.